What is This Shit?

If somebody had told me a year ago that I would be writing a blog today, I would not have a response for them. I simply would have gone home and hung myself to avoid any possibility of that ever happening. I’ve had a long standing belief that people who write blogs are ignorant attention-whores that are completely full of themselves, and that most of them probably look like this:


Not only is having a blog extremely hypocritical on my part, it’s just a very strange venture for someone with my personality to undertake. I don’t exactly fit the mold of a stereotypical blogger, at least in my mind. I’m certainly not the type of person who craves the spotlight, and modesty is probably one of my few positive qualities as a human being. In fact I’m so humble; I have almost zero self-respect and spend most of my time verbally assaulting the bathroom mirror. Other reasons for me not to have a blog include my horrible grammar and spelling (I just spelled grammar with an e and had to be corrected by Microsoft Word), and the fact that I type with 3 fingers at max.

However, I am similar to most bloggers in that it is my worst qualities that have pulled me into this world of self-promotion. These flaws would be, without question, my temper and my impatience with the everyday hassles of modern society. I’ve spent my entire life with a perception that would make a half-empty glass seem like a good thing, and as I get older, my patience seems to be wearing thinner right along with my hairline. In order to delay the inevitable aneurism that I will eventually succumb to, I figured I should try to turn all these negative qualities into something positive before I go to work one day and pull one of these:



So I’ve decided to vent my frustrations through writing.

The majority of what you will see on this site will indeed be the diarrhea that my mind excretes from being fed so much intolerable garbage everyday, but it won’t all be querulous rants resulting from my contempt of reality. I’ll also be sharing stories from my awkward childhood and adolescence, my adventures and questionable behavior from young-adulthood, commentary on this generation’s sorry excuse for a pop culture, and anything else that I find funny or absurd, and feel that other people can relate to.

My plan is to write solely for entertainment purposes, and I’ll try to keep from be preachy or political, but I can’t make any promises. After 4 years of education at a school full of hippies and environmentalists, the seeds of liberal douchehood have been planted in my head. Those seeds were waterboarded thoroughly by the Bush administration, and now that I’ve spent close to a year experiencing the horrors of corporate life, those seeds are seriously beginning to sprout. But if I ever do end up going overboard with social commentary, take it with a grain of salt, because I really don’t know shit about politics.

I’m sure a lot of you are asking, “Don’t you have anything better to do?” Honestly, no I don’t. I’ve been out of school for a year now, and since alcohol has dissolved every ounce of athleticism I once had, I really needed to find some kind of hobby to at least salvage what’s left of my brain. Now before you call me a nerd for wasting my time writing worthless tirades, think about how many hours you logged on X-Box or how many times you updated that self-absorbed Facebook status today. Like anyone gives a shit you just got back from a hard days work at Macy’s and have to take Mittens to the vet because he ate a used tampon out of the garbage, go twitter yourself.

I’m not doing this to promote myself in any way; quite frankly I’ll probably be doing the exact opposite. Writing is just something I enjoy doing, and a decent amount of people seem to enjoy reading my crap, so I started this as a way to make it available to them. My goal with this is to make people laugh. Whether you’re laughing with me or at me I don’t care, as long as you find it entertaining. I think the real reason I decided to do this is that writing seems to have a therapeutic effect on me. Believe or not, I’ve actually found that I’m a happier person since starting this method of catharsis. Unfortunately, I think people find me funnier when I’m completely miserable. I can’t ever fucking win.