Things That Scared Me When I was Little: Vampire from Are You Afraid of the Dark?

I’m assuming most people reading this are familiar with this classic show from the 90s. But in case you were home schooled or your family couldn’t afford cable, Are You Afraid of the Dark? was a show on Nickelodeon that featured a group of racially diverse and socially awkward teenagers who sat around a camp fire every Saturday night after Ren & Stimpy telling ghost stories. Many of them were pretty corny and even laughable, but every once and a while, an episode came out that would scare the living shit out of you. One episode in particular called “The Tale of the Midnight Madness” kept me up at night for at least 3 years. When I finally got over it around fifth grade, I watched a syndicated replay and was fucked for another 2 years.

The basic premise of this episode centers around the attempt of two teens to save a failing movie theater. They end up showing the old silent film Nosferatu to audiences, and everything goes to shit:

For the sake of nostalgia, it’s definitely worth watching the whole episode (here’s Part One) but for those of you with lives, the real fun begins 5:30 into Part 2:

First off, Fuck Dr. Vink. I don’t know why this prick felt it was necessary to dedicate his life to traumatizing kids fresh out of puberty. Given his title, he apparently earned a PhD somehow. I don’t know how any institution of higher learning would have ever allowed that to happen. He never seems to have a formal means of income (I think he was a cook in another show), yet at the end of this episode he ends up buying the theater. I’m sure Citigroup really did their research before approving a loan for him.

Anyway, my nightmare begins around 6:05, where the most disturbing fucking vampire you will ever see in your entire goddamn life comes to life. The way that thing creeps up to the screen made me piss myself so much, my parents had to start buying Huggies again.

7:25: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society: Another unnecessary interracial relationship on Nickelodeon.

8:00: Sure, the 19^th century, uneducated dead guy figured out how to disconnect the phone line.

9:07: The main reason I could not sleep at night. I always imagined those creepy long fingers wrapping around my closet door followed by the scene starting at 0:15 of Part 3. It’s a good thing for those kids this vampire has ADHD.

1:51: Looks like me on Monday morning.

3:04: Yeah laugh it up you fat fuck, see how funny it is when that deed is worth shit come 2008.

When I found this episode on YouTube, I was honestly a little hesitant to watch it again because of how mortifying it was to me years before. This time around I was at least able to keep my eyes open and my pants dry. When it was over, I realized how ridiculous my fear of this corny episode was and had no problem falling asleep later. But low and behold when I did fall asleep, that fucker poked his pasty long fingers into my dream once again, and I haven’t been able to sleep since. Just another reason for me to seek therapy.