Bill Parcells - All That is Man

It’s finally football season again.

It’s finally that time of year when it is considered normal for heterosexual males to become completely enamored with other members of their own gender. It’s the time of year when grown men arrange annual get-togethers to giggle, gossip, and scream emphatically about the boys they like and don’t like in an event called the Fantasy Football Draft. For those of you who have never participated in one of these emasculating bashes, it's honestly a lot like being at a miniature Jonas Brothers concert. In the audience you have a tall, chatty girl who insists she knows more about the band than anyone else, a girl who is dressed head to foot in apparel featuring the band and has completely abandoned her social life in order to attend every concert, a chaperoning mother who organized it all and is having trouble controlling her daughter’s crazed friends, and a heavy-set girl with Cheeto crumbs on her shirt who won’t shut up about how underrated Kevin’s guitar playing is. After the draft is all over, each participant skips away and immediately brags to friends, family, and coworkers about the men they have picked to share the next 4 months with them as if they were prom dates. It’s simply adorable.

With all of this man-love blossoming, I thought it might be a good time to pay tribute to those who truly represent manhood in its very essence. Keeping the football theme in mind, I would like to make my case for a man who has demonstrated throughout his entire life everything it means to have external gonads. In my book, the manliest man alive is none other than Bill Parcells.

Duane Charles Parcells was born and raised in Englewood, New Jersey. At a young age, he earned his nickname “the Big Tuna” because of his propensity to eat tuna fish sandwiches everyday for lunch. One day at school, a bully grabbed Duane’s sandwich and swallowed it whole in front of his face. In a state of shock, Duane did nothing in retaliation. Throughout the afternoon however, the insult of the event ate away at him, and as soon as the bell rang he found the bully in the bathroom, pushed him through a stall, shoved his head into the toilet, and urinated on him. As he flushed, he insulted the bully’s immoral character, his failed potential in life, and his family’s social standing for not being able to provide him with his own lunch. From that moment, Duane realized he owned the power to become the most badass man alive. He went to school the next day and told everyone to call him Bill. He didn’t think "Duane" was manly enough.

With his newly found persona, Bill Parcells could have done pretty much anything he wanted with his life. After deliberating between such pursuits as becoming a real life G.I. Joe, the dictator of a third world nation, and a serial bear rapist, Bill Parcells finally decided he would set out to become the greatest coach in NFL history. He started the pillaging by taking an assistant coaching job with his home town team, the New York Giants. On the morning of his first training camp, Bill Parcells woke the team up at 4:30am and made them run about 600 wind sprints up and down a small mountain. Afterwards he served them liver and raw eggs for breakfast, and sat at the front table eating shards of glass. Management heard the story, and immediately hired him to be the Head Coach of the team. Bill Parcells quickly made sure that their decision would not be a regrettable one. Equipped with his diabolical defensive schemes, he led the Giants to back-to-back playoff appearances for the first time in 20 years. In just his third season, he gave the Giants their first Super Bowl victory, and didn’t even bother to crack a smile.

Following that first championship, coaching simply became too easy for Bill Parcells. In 1990 he led the Giants to a 13-3 record, and just to make things harder in the playoffs, he decided to intentionally break the foot of his star quarterback, Phil Simms, by running it over in a Ford F-150. But even with backup QB Jeff Hostetler, the Giants still ended up winning the Super Bowl that year. Bill Parcells found the monotony of winning on a constant basis to be unfulfilling and decided to retire. When asked why he was leaving coaching, he told the media, “I’m tired of having Gatorade dumped on me. It’s destroyed all of my Christmas sweaters and Member’s Only jackets.”

After 3 years of retirement, Bill Parcells grew bored with his hobby of competitive fire walking and returned to coaching. He took his “Defense wins championships and Offense is for pussies” mentality to the New England Patriots, and became very upset when management selected a wide receiver named Terry Glenn in the first round of the 1996 NFL draft. In protest, he referred to Glenn as a “she” for the entire season, reluctantly led the team to the Super Bowl, and lost the game on purpose. He quit the next day because Bill Parcells doesn’t tolerate bullshit from anyone.

Bill Parcells’ next challenge came in the form of the pathetic New York Jets who had amassed a combined record of 4-28 in the two seasons before he got there. In two seasons under Bill Parcells, the Jets went 21-11 and reached the conference championship in 1998. It was a miraculous turnaround, but after reviewing the incredible progress he made, Bill Parcells remembered that nobody really cares about the Jets and that they’re not supposed to win anything. He retired for a second time and left the team to suffer in eternal mediocrity.

For the next 3 years, Bill Parcells spent his free time trying to dig his way to hell so he could beat the living piss out of Satan. All the while, he was harassed daily by calls from Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones. His team was awful, and he begged Bill Parcells to have mercy on him. Bill Parcells did not know the meaning of the word “mercy” but agreed to coach the team as long as Jerry “didn’t pull any gay shit.” Jerry played it cool at first and left Bill Parcells alone to effortlessly earn a playoff birth in his first year there. The next year however, Jerry made the foolish mistake of crossing Bill Parcells and signed the infamous egomaniac Terrell Owens. Bill Parcells had no interest in associating with this clown, and refused to acknowledge his existence on the team, referring to T.O. as “that player.”



When that miserable season was finally over, Bill Parcells walked into Jerry Jones’ office, took a blow torch to his face, and left his resignation on the desk. The damage done, and the extensive surgery it required, serves as a reminder to all of us that you cannot dick Bill Parcells over and get away with it.

Bill Parcells retired from coaching for a third time and moved to Florida to pursue a career in alligator wrangling. As soon as the Miami Dolphins heard this, they set their sights on bringing the man to their team some how. The Dolphins had just completed one of the worst seasons in NFL history with a record of 1-15, and they knew that Bill Parcells was their only hope for change because everything Bill Parcells touches turns to fucking gold. Bill Parcells told the team he no longer wanted to coach, but would accept the role of Executive Vice President. On his first day in office, Bill Parcells fired the GM, head coach, assistant coaches, ball boys, cheerleaders, and mascot Flipper. He then took a look at the team's players and realized that the only decent one was Jason Taylor. With the frustration of being surrounded by incompetency already boiling over, shit hit the proverbial fan when Taylor decided it would be cool to compete on Dancing with the Stars during the offseason.

When Bill Parcells learned of this, he was not pleased. He called Taylor into the his office and told him to take his tap-dancing ass out of there and go find another team to play for. When asked why he released his team’s only good player, Bill Parcells said, “Fairies don't win football games.”

Minus Taylor, most Dolphin fans believed that the season was doomed. But what those fans were not aware of is that Bill Parcells is oblivious to the concept of failure. After picking up some free agent castoffs and hiring a mob boss as head coach, the Dolphins went 11-5 and won their division. Given the Bill Parcells' track record, it should come as no surprise that my pick to be Super Bowl champion this year is the Miami Dolphins, simply because Bill Parcells is all that is man.