The Death Panel Survey

Sarah Palin recently criticized Barack Obama’s Health Care reform bill, and like any decent, well-respected politician, did so by twittering it on Facebook.

http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=113851103434

She claimed that the government will be developing “Death Panels” to determine whether certain citizens, like her elderly parents or her Down Syndromed child, are worthy of health care based on their level of productivity in society. I was intrigued by this claim and decided to look into its accuracy. I sent an email to Barack asking him if there was any truth to a plan for weeding out such burdensome citizens, and sure enough, a plan is in the works. He even sent me a rough copy of the survey that will measure an individual’s value to society and whether or not they will qualify for government coverage. According to congress, if you answer “yes” to any of the following questions, your contributions to society are not considered adequate enough to receive health care, and your life as an American citizen is expendable:

• Have you ever spent a day in your lifetime playing the Sims for 11 straight hours while consuming only a bowl of Kraft Easy Mac and a 12-pack of Busch Light?
• If you are a male over the age of 22, do you still greet friends and acquaintances with an aggressive interlocking-thumb-to-fingertip snap hand shake?
• Have you ever bought razor blades, Advil PM, and a fifth of Gordon’s Gin by complete coincidence at a convenience store, and did you receive a concerned look from the cashier when making the purchase?
• Do you say “I’m just kidding!” after making an alleged joke/humorous statement or “That’s so funny!” after hearing an alleged joke/humorous statement?
• Has your mother ever looked you with your shirt off and said, “Oh, you seem to have grown a little pouch!”
• When being photographed, do you believe that posing with a sideways peace sign will enhance your public image?
• When out for a casual walk, do you find it necessary ask the out of shape runner, who is obviously struggling to keep last night’s Hamburger Helper down, how he is doing as he passes by?
• Have you ever eaten an entire tub of frozen Cool Whip at 10:30am and called it dessert for breakfast?
• Has the following sequence ever occurred over a 4 year span in your lifetime?
• Year 1: You purchase a portable hammock (see photo for example) and find that you are able to swing in it with no problem through out the summer.
  
• Year 2: You notice the hammock is beginning to brush against the grass when swinging is attempted once again.
• Year 3: Swinging in the portable hammock is no longer feasible, as the subject’s increasingly large buttocks now touch the ground.
• Year 4: You break the hammock while attempting to lay on it, and toss reading material across the yard in frustration as baffled family members watch from the kitchen window.

• Do you have a goatee and are you aware that it is no longer 1998?
• Have you ever eaten rotten fish bait from a dog’s mouth?
• Have you ever forced small talk by asking someone what their plans for the weekend are on a Monday?
• Has anyone ever played connect the dots with your freckles after you passed out in a puddle of your own vomit?
• Did your wedding take place at Minebrook golf club in Hackettstown, NJ?
• Have you ever cried while watching the movie Babe?
• Do you use that little FML ditty on all your status tweets, as it is still so fresh and incredibly funny?
• Are you a 23 year old white male and the proud owner of a CD called Beg for Mercy by G-Unit?
• Do you truly believe you are the only person in America who knows all of the lyrics to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song?
• Have you ever spent an entire day criticizing the gamesmanship, pitch selection, and batting stances of 12 year old boys in the Little League World Series and laughed whole-heartedly any time a tear was shed; all while obliterating the recommended daily caloric intake via cheesesteaks, nachos, National Bohemian, and Swedish Fish?
• Have you ever blown out your vocal cords screaming Linkin Park and Limp Bizkit songs with 2 of your friends while driving to the beach, then after one too many beers decide to run into a fence on a bet?
• Have you ever spent New Years Eve at the home of your friend’s parents and did you end the night by blacking out on a bottle of scotch while playing Halo with his father?
• Have you ever been thrown out of an Applebees bar?
• Have you ever left that same bar with the trashy 40 year-old, mother-of-3 bartender?
• Is your last name Gosselin?
• Have you ever started a blog and gained a grand total of 3 followers in 3 months?