After another long and unnecessary hiatus, the award winning blog that has entertained millions around the globe for over a year has returned, and to celebrate, the HETC has been given an extravagant and very expensive make-over. I’m sure all 6 of my faithful readers are completely overwhelmed by the luxurious upgrades, so let me take you through each of these breathtaking new features one at a time.
Undoubtedly the first highlight you would have noticed is the beautiful, new custom-made banner at the top. This incredible work of art was designed and painted by Bob Ross, who you may know from the popular 90’s program The Joy of Painting on PBS.
A lot of strings had to be pulled in order to book Mr. Ross on this important project. Fitting into his schedule was not easy, especially when you consider the man died of lymphoma 15 years ago. I want to thank him for all of his time, effort, and steady hands.* I would also like to thank the incomparable Mel Gibson for providing a plethora of new taglines to choose from over the past few weeks. It’s been said that anger fuels comedy, and you sir have let out more fuel in a span of 3 days than BP did in 3 months.
The next feature you may have noticed is the snazzy new background. This gorgeous snake-skin design was inspired by the Southeast Asian Black Cobra and has been added to convey a bold message to readers that this blog has no legs.
The site has also been given a much sharper overall appearance as 100 gigs of pixels have been installed, along with 35 rams of lithium technology. This enhancement ensures HD compatibility with any LSD computer monitor, and sometime in the not too distant future, you will be able to view select blog entries in 3D!
Probably the most exciting new feature is the fully interactive right sidebar. In this panel, the first utility box you'll find includes links to two new pages. The first page is dedicated to my utterly uncomfortable stand-up videos, and the second page as requested by many, is home to the exclusive HETC Online Store. This page is the only place you will be able to purchase Official HETC apparel, including a stunning new clothing line created by none other than the Doggfather himself, Snoop Doggy Dogg.
With the site’s growing popularity, I’ve also been able to expand revenue through corporate advertising. Through out the right side panel you’ll notice that the HETC is now sponsored by a wide variety of prolific enterprises including Therapy Tree LLC, Bilingual Toddler DVD, and christismylife.com. Other features in the sidebar include a search engine, polls, Facebook sharing/Tweetability, Helen Keller quotes, and Sally the Virtual Sheep.
Enjoy the Fully Recycled Half-Empty Trash Can and all the new features it has to offer. Overall, I think new design is a huge improvement, God forbid the content actually followed suit.
* Rigor Mortis Joke
