I went on another blog hiatus this month, but it wasn’t do to laziness this time. Believe it or not, I was actually working on material for my first ever stand up comedy set. The final product was unveiled last night at the Stress Factory in New Brunswick, NJ, and it was about as entertaining as watching a paraplegic trying to climb a tree.
It was very painful for me to watch this video and I was hesitant to share it with all of you, but this blog is all about my failures in life so I guess I’m obligated to post it. My true feeling on it is it obviously could’ve been better, but it could’ve been worse. The bottom line is this was something I’ve wanted to try for a while yet could never build up the courage to do it, so I don’t regret a second of it because at least I finally gave it a shot. If I ever do it again, someone in the audience should grab a pistol and give my face a shot.
Thank god the beginning of the video is cut off, I spent my first 30 seconds up there going “um, so, uh…” Eventually I got into the flow of things and the first bit went fairly well.
0:47 – It also doesn’t take any special skill or technique to remember a punchline to a joke, it was suppose to be about fat kids being the best lugers but I blew it.
1:30 – That mistake wasn’t that bad, acknowledging it made it 10 times worse.
2:00 – Only solid laugh of the set, look for more masturbation jokes from me in the future.
2:15 – I brought a note card up with me that had my set list on it in case I got stuck. This something even professional comedians do when trying out new material, so it really isn’t that pathetic. Some menopausal 54 year old woman sitting up front thought it was a fucking riot. I really wish I had the improv skills to stand up for myself, but it’s hard to stand up for yourself when you suck at stand up.
3:17 – Listen carefully to this “joke” because you will never hear me do it again.
4:30 – You might recognize this one from one of my first blog entries. That’s were it should have stayed.
6:52 – Yeah he’s cute, which basically equates to be unfunny in the world of stand up comedy.
Thanks to everyone who came out, I really appreciate the support. If you opt to stay home for the next one, I understand.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Get Lost Asshole
Tonight marks the return of the World’s Biggest Asshole:
I realize “Asshole” is an odd term to use in describing a television show, but after a lot of thought, it really seems to be the best way to explain how the aborted fetus of a threeway between Survivor, Star Trek, and Gilligan’s Island has become so popular. Assholes are unintelligent, untalented, and shallow people who happen to be very good at manipulating and persuading others into paying attention to them. By exploiting this quality, Assholes are able to come off as interesting and insightful to others, and earn loads of unwarranted respect and popularity because of it. Once an Asshole reaches the peak of their popularity, they will do everything necessary to remain at the top, no matter how detrimental it may be to their delusional followers or even to society as a whole. Of course, there are many Assholes in the world today, but to me, the show Lost fits this definition better than all of them.
Pricks have a natural disdain for Assholes, so it should come as no surprise that I have never watched a full episode of Lost. Whenever people ask me about the show, they always seem shocked, or even appalled that I am not a viewer. Someone I know once remarked, “I can’t believe you don’t watch it. With the brain you have, you would absolutely love it.” I took that statement as an insult. Let’s get one thing straight: American network television does not require a brain in order to be comprehended. Shows on CBS, ABC, and NBC are dumbed down so much in order to reach the broadest possible range of viewers that you don’t even need to be conscience in order to follow them. It’s actually been noted that Terri Schiavo was a big fan of I’m a Celebrity, Get me out of Here in the final weeks of her life. It’s all about ratings for network television, and the secret to getting the highest ratings is televising simple, non-offensive subject matter that doesn’t require much thinking. With this in mind, I find it very hard to believe that the same network that gave us Shaq's Big Challenge, Brat Camp, and Fat March is broadcasting the most intellectually stimulating piece of media that the world has ever seen. The writers of Lost are not geniuses, they’re simply Assholes who know how to design a show that the average person can’t help but pay attention to.
Now it may seem unfair that I am criticizing a show that I have never watched, but believe me, I have heard enough about Lost, and I have seen enough promos to call it the World’s Biggest Asshole. From what I gather, the show chronicles the experiences of a group of people who survived a plane crash and are stranded on a desert island. On the island there is a time machine which initially cannot be operated by the survivors because they do not have the flux capacitor. The capacitor is in the possession of a group called the Zulu Nation and is guarded by polar bears and a giant monster with emphysema. Eventually, the survivors are able to retrieve the flux capacitor because the monster took off to New York sometime during Season 3 to film Cloverfield. Over the next couple of years, the group enjoys going back and forth in time, and shooting each other at different points in the past to see how things would change. Somewhere towards the end of last season, a couple of characters got bored and decided to swim home, but when they got there they realized there was nothing worth watching on television, so they went back to the island.
Obviously there are a few gaps in the plot, but overall it’s not a terrible premise for a show. The reason I’m calling Lost an Asshole is first of all, because of the way it is presented. Each episode is structured around the use of the same exact gimmick that made those horrendous reality shows so popular: the episode-ending plot twist or cliffhanger. Many people mistake this method of writing for clever and compelling story-telling, but it’s really just a shameful tactic to increase ratings and retain viewership. It’s simply a manipulation of the viewers mind; the same thing is done on shows like 24, Prison Break, and Heroes. These shows hook you in and leave you with such an incredible mystery to figure out, that it completely occupies your mind over the following week and you can’t help but watch the next installment. I actually know a few people who really don’t even enjoy Lost, but still watch it because they have seen every episode since the beginning, and need to know what happens in order to function the next day. It’s like visually absorbed heroin.
Of course when the writers are forced to create so many different twists and turns in the plot line, and forced to introduce so many new characters, things can become a little confusing. So when ABC noticed that things were starting to get out of hand, they did something unprecedented in order to keep their show popular. They began broadcasting clip-shows that recapped all of the events from previous episodes along with commentary to explain why the fat, curly-haired man with is sobbing while performing the castration of a tortoise, and what the symbolic meanings are behind other wonderful scenes.
These clip-shows seem like a harmless aid, but let’s break this innovation down to what it essential is, and this is what brought Lost to the next level of Assholism:
Lost created televised cliffsnotes for a television show.
Please read that sentence again, and a take a moment to evaluate how far we, as a people, have sunk. We have allowed a television show to deceive us of its quality to the point where we are so delusional, we have no a problem being walked through it as if we were Third graders being presented with the works of William Shakespeare. If you are an Emmy Award winning television show and you knowingly undermine the intelligence of your audience with the sole intent of trying to keep your popularity up, you are an Asshole. Not only have you have made your audience dumber, you have destroyed the all hope for having any artistic integrity in the future of television as we know it, and you simply do not care.
The quintessential Assholes in any society have always been politicians, and traditionally, the “World’s Biggest Asshole” label always been reserved for the President of the United States. Every year, the President reserves a night in late January or early February to address the nation in his State of the Union speech. This speech is always broadcast on every channel, and takes precedence over anything else that is scheduled to be televised that night. This year, the President originally planned for his speech to take place tonight, but after White House officials realized that the speech would interrupt another Asshole that was making its big premiere, the speech was moved up to last week. I don’t think any more evidence is needed. If you are able to make yourself seem more important than a speech from the Asshole running the most powerful country in the world at one of its most critical time periods, you’ve earned the title. Tune in tonight at 8 to see the World’s Biggest Asshole.
I realize “Asshole” is an odd term to use in describing a television show, but after a lot of thought, it really seems to be the best way to explain how the aborted fetus of a threeway between Survivor, Star Trek, and Gilligan’s Island has become so popular. Assholes are unintelligent, untalented, and shallow people who happen to be very good at manipulating and persuading others into paying attention to them. By exploiting this quality, Assholes are able to come off as interesting and insightful to others, and earn loads of unwarranted respect and popularity because of it. Once an Asshole reaches the peak of their popularity, they will do everything necessary to remain at the top, no matter how detrimental it may be to their delusional followers or even to society as a whole. Of course, there are many Assholes in the world today, but to me, the show Lost fits this definition better than all of them.Pricks have a natural disdain for Assholes, so it should come as no surprise that I have never watched a full episode of Lost. Whenever people ask me about the show, they always seem shocked, or even appalled that I am not a viewer. Someone I know once remarked, “I can’t believe you don’t watch it. With the brain you have, you would absolutely love it.” I took that statement as an insult. Let’s get one thing straight: American network television does not require a brain in order to be comprehended. Shows on CBS, ABC, and NBC are dumbed down so much in order to reach the broadest possible range of viewers that you don’t even need to be conscience in order to follow them. It’s actually been noted that Terri Schiavo was a big fan of I’m a Celebrity, Get me out of Here in the final weeks of her life. It’s all about ratings for network television, and the secret to getting the highest ratings is televising simple, non-offensive subject matter that doesn’t require much thinking. With this in mind, I find it very hard to believe that the same network that gave us Shaq's Big Challenge, Brat Camp, and Fat March is broadcasting the most intellectually stimulating piece of media that the world has ever seen. The writers of Lost are not geniuses, they’re simply Assholes who know how to design a show that the average person can’t help but pay attention to.
Now it may seem unfair that I am criticizing a show that I have never watched, but believe me, I have heard enough about Lost, and I have seen enough promos to call it the World’s Biggest Asshole. From what I gather, the show chronicles the experiences of a group of people who survived a plane crash and are stranded on a desert island. On the island there is a time machine which initially cannot be operated by the survivors because they do not have the flux capacitor. The capacitor is in the possession of a group called the Zulu Nation and is guarded by polar bears and a giant monster with emphysema. Eventually, the survivors are able to retrieve the flux capacitor because the monster took off to New York sometime during Season 3 to film Cloverfield. Over the next couple of years, the group enjoys going back and forth in time, and shooting each other at different points in the past to see how things would change. Somewhere towards the end of last season, a couple of characters got bored and decided to swim home, but when they got there they realized there was nothing worth watching on television, so they went back to the island.
Obviously there are a few gaps in the plot, but overall it’s not a terrible premise for a show. The reason I’m calling Lost an Asshole is first of all, because of the way it is presented. Each episode is structured around the use of the same exact gimmick that made those horrendous reality shows so popular: the episode-ending plot twist or cliffhanger. Many people mistake this method of writing for clever and compelling story-telling, but it’s really just a shameful tactic to increase ratings and retain viewership. It’s simply a manipulation of the viewers mind; the same thing is done on shows like 24, Prison Break, and Heroes. These shows hook you in and leave you with such an incredible mystery to figure out, that it completely occupies your mind over the following week and you can’t help but watch the next installment. I actually know a few people who really don’t even enjoy Lost, but still watch it because they have seen every episode since the beginning, and need to know what happens in order to function the next day. It’s like visually absorbed heroin.
Of course when the writers are forced to create so many different twists and turns in the plot line, and forced to introduce so many new characters, things can become a little confusing. So when ABC noticed that things were starting to get out of hand, they did something unprecedented in order to keep their show popular. They began broadcasting clip-shows that recapped all of the events from previous episodes along with commentary to explain why the fat, curly-haired man with is sobbing while performing the castration of a tortoise, and what the symbolic meanings are behind other wonderful scenes.
These clip-shows seem like a harmless aid, but let’s break this innovation down to what it essential is, and this is what brought Lost to the next level of Assholism:
Lost created televised cliffsnotes for a television show.
Please read that sentence again, and a take a moment to evaluate how far we, as a people, have sunk. We have allowed a television show to deceive us of its quality to the point where we are so delusional, we have no a problem being walked through it as if we were Third graders being presented with the works of William Shakespeare. If you are an Emmy Award winning television show and you knowingly undermine the intelligence of your audience with the sole intent of trying to keep your popularity up, you are an Asshole. Not only have you have made your audience dumber, you have destroyed the all hope for having any artistic integrity in the future of television as we know it, and you simply do not care.
The quintessential Assholes in any society have always been politicians, and traditionally, the “World’s Biggest Asshole” label always been reserved for the President of the United States. Every year, the President reserves a night in late January or early February to address the nation in his State of the Union speech. This speech is always broadcast on every channel, and takes precedence over anything else that is scheduled to be televised that night. This year, the President originally planned for his speech to take place tonight, but after White House officials realized that the speech would interrupt another Asshole that was making its big premiere, the speech was moved up to last week. I don’t think any more evidence is needed. If you are able to make yourself seem more important than a speech from the Asshole running the most powerful country in the world at one of its most critical time periods, you’ve earned the title. Tune in tonight at 8 to see the World’s Biggest Asshole.
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