What makes our feelings about these people so unique is the fact that we build our opinion about them through observation, much like characters in a movie or television show. We develop our impressions based on the way these people look, the way they carry and conduct themselves, and the way that they interact with others. It’s obviously narrow-minded and unfair to build these kinds of prejudgments about people we have never spoken to, but we all do it, at the very least in our own minds. It’s just human nature.
I share my place of employment with about 300 other people, and as you can probably guess, there are many individuals that I innately despise. Some of my hatred stems solely from the physical appearance of others. For example, there is a woman who walks into the building at the same time as me every morning, and there is nothing wrong with that, except she looks like one of the weasels from Roger Rabbit and I don’t like it.
There is also a woman gets her coffee at the same time I do everyday, and this would be fine too, except she looks like a pale flamingo and I don’t care for that very much either. I like women, and I like animals. When the two are mixed together it creates problems for me.Some more misery seems to develop from the demeanor of others. People who fit into this category include the rotund woman who laughs incessantly and completes every sentence by saying “You know what I mean?” There is the man who for reasons that have never been explained, speaks with an Italian mobster accent at the beginning of all his conversations, and I have even a vendetta out for a man that I have never even seen before, much less spoken to. I have taken issue with who ever this man is because he leaves his filthily Preparation H wipes in the toilet with the wrappers littered on the floor. That shit is gross. If I ever catch this him in the act, I'll leap over the stall divider, use his head as a toilet brush, and mop the floor with his face.
My strongest animosity however, probably comes from the office cliques. One in particular that truly irks me is a group I like to call “The Corporals.” I call them this because to me, the members of this gang embody every stereotype you could ever imagine about the everyday corporate drone. They are an intolerable group of thirty-somethings who are all about 4 or 5 years into marriage, have a couple of young kids, and absolutely nothing interesting to talk about. Of course, these pricks always seem to find a table next to me in the cafeteria and I am forced to listen to discussions about their uneventful mornings, their 401Ks, and how little Jonathan shit in a pot over the weekend. In all the years of my life, I have never thought that it would be remotely possible to carry on a 45 minute conversation about razor blades, but these clowns middle-managed to do it. I sat through the entire debate, thinking about whether it would be more effective for me to put a Gillette or a Schick to my wrist if I ever became as boring as these morons.
Believe it or not, there are some people at work that I actually enjoy seeing everyday. As I mentioned before, women who look like animals bother me, but for some strange reason, old men that look like animals are heroic in my book. Every once and a while in the hallways, I’ll encounter a man who looks like a Shar Pei, and it will instantly light up my world.
In our cafeteria, there is a black fellow who prepares the majority of my meals, and everyday I ask him how he's doing. I love asking him that because I know as soon as I close my mouth, he will respond like clock-work in the same old tone and with the same head nod, "I’m Blessed.”Our company also employs a few individuals in our mail room from a group of people that is absolutely impossible to dislike, the mentally handicapped. I think the reason it is impossible to not like these wonderful people is because of the fact that they, themselves do not have capability of hating anyone. Their mindsets are similar to those of a child, in that their innocence blinds them from all of the issues that us “normal” people seem to have, and everyone that comes into their life is considered a good person.
There is one particular sweet, older woman who has been working in the mail room 35 years. Everyone knows and loves her, and she knows and loves everyone right back. I have never really been formally introduced to her, and as far as I know, neither have the 5 other people in my department. Yet whenever we see her roaming the halls, we will all say “Good Morning Sally!” or “Have a Good Night Sally!” Even though she doesn’t know anyone in our group, she will always smile and respond with a “Good Morning!” or a “You Too!”
Except to me.
For the longest time, I have not been able to figure out why this woman, who seems to unconditionally love everyone that comes in contact with her, would for some reason, single me out and not want to associate with me. It’s not like I ever did anything wrong to her. Our conversations have never gone beyond a greeting and a good bye, but I have always been polite whenever I see her. Sometimes when I walk down the hall with one of my colleagues, we'll see her and say hello together. In this situation, I can garner a response but she will only look at the person I am walking with and not me. Thinking she may be hard of hearing, I’ve tried to speak up, but I am still unable to get her acknowledgment.
And now it has dawned on me.
Sally might have actually categorized me as someone that she hates for no legitimate reason. It really might be possible that I come off as such cold, heartless, unfriendly, spiteful, pompous, and intimidating monster, that even a Retard could actually look at me and identify me as someone that they simply have no reason to like.
When alcoholics and drug addicts finally come to realize that they have a problem, they are said to have a “Moment of Clarity.” For pricks like myself, it doesn’t get much clearer than this. When somebody with the mental capacity of a chimpanzee and the lack of motor skills to chew their food properly has actually been able to gather enough brain cells together to come to the conclusion that you are an asshole, it is time to take a look in the mirror and reevaluate your life.
To be honest, I would really love to be a nicer person, but unfortunately they don’t have a Rehab for Assholes, so the world is stuck with me.
