Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Hamburger Helper, Helping Shitty Cooks since 1971
For me, the two most aggravating things about living on your own are doing your own laundry, and having to cook for yourself. I’m sure everyone can agree with me on the former (unless you’re a 73 year old widow from colonial Williamsburg) but there are a lot of people out there who actually enjoy cooking for themselves. Obviously, the only possible way someone can enjoy cooking is if they’re somewhat good at it. Everyone in my family seems to be: my mother cooks just about every night, my sister does a lot of international shit using ingredients that have no clear designation on the food pyramid, and my brother even has a degree from culinary school. I however, was not endowed with this gene of cuisine, and even if I did have the skills, I certainly don’t have the patience to spend hours cooking something that I’ll end up inhaling in 2 minutes.
My cooking ventures typically involve gratuitous amounts of sodium, and will almost always require the use of a microwave at some point. My most extravagant creations include Pork Chops seared in a Frank’s Red Hot marinade, the Chicken Nugget Sandwich, Mama Celeste's Frozen Pizza with a side of Spaghetti-Os, and for dessert, frozen Cool-Whip straight from the tub. There is however, one dish that the home economically challenged like myself can consider a true masterpiece, rivaling anything from Olive Garden’s menu: Hamburger Helper.
Hamburger Helper is one of the most underrated creations in the history of mankind. Not only is it incredibly delicious, but it’s so easy to make, a cave man with cerebral palsy and a low-rate car insurance policy can do it. Just about everything you need comes in a box, all you have to supply is a pound of ground beef and two cups of milk (the use of stale milk is not recommended, but I just hate seeing things go to waste). You start off by “browning” the ground beef, then you add the macaroni along with hot water and milk dated Jun 22. Finally, you mix in a mysterious, anthrax-like powder labeled “Cheese/Sauce Mix”. I don’t know how it works, but this magical fairy dust seems to be the secret to all of HamHelp’s flavor and supremacy. Without it, you would simply have wet noodles and cow meat, and with it, you have an entrée from a 5-star restaurant.
Once you have mixed all of the ingredients together, your Hamburger Helper should look like something that was projected from either one of two orifices of a diseased Rottweiler, but let it simmer for about 10 minutes and you’ll have a meal that would make Emeril Lagasse cower in defeat.
Even if you were brain dead enough screw up these simple directions, Betty Crocker offers online solutions to improve future attempts. Answers to questions like, “Why isn’t my sauce saucy enough?”, or “Why is my macaroni gummy?” can all be found on the FAQ page. In case you had any doubts, you’ll notice that Betty points out in the final question that it is actually possible to reheat leftovers in a microwave. According to the page, all of these questions are of the frequent variety, which clearly demonstrates the intelligence level of most HamHelp consumers.
HamHelps is a very versatile product that can be enjoyed by just about everyone, even those dumb ass pseudo-vegetarians who refuse to eat animals that they deem to be “cute”. So you think the cow is simply too adorable to ingest? No problem, grind up the much less aesthetically pleasing turkey and its just as good. When you’re finished, why don’t you jump in a car and swerve off a cliff while trying to avoid a precious chipmunk crossing the road? I’m sure the hideous vultures, maggots, and rats won’t have a problem picking away at that cute little carcass of yours, you superficial, speciesist piece of shit.
Since the debut of Original Beef Pasta in the 70s, Betty Crocker has built an empire in the Starch + Meat Instant Meal industry. Over the years, she has introduced Double Cheeseburger Macoroni, Philly Cheesesteak, Beef Stew, Beef Stroganoff, Cheesy Beef Taco, Beefy Lasangna, Beef Romanoff, and Beefy-Fuckin-Beefity Meat Cake. Then the bitch sold out and started making Tuna and Chicken Helper. What a fucking joke. These wannabe knock-offs were obviously created for elitist, yuppie pricks who still think BSE is something to be legitimately concerned about. Even if Mad Cow disease was a risk today, I’d still eat Hamburger Helper 8 nights a week. I'd eat it till my brain rotted out of my fucking skull and I started mooing obscenities at innocent children.
My cooking ventures typically involve gratuitous amounts of sodium, and will almost always require the use of a microwave at some point. My most extravagant creations include Pork Chops seared in a Frank’s Red Hot marinade, the Chicken Nugget Sandwich, Mama Celeste's Frozen Pizza with a side of Spaghetti-Os, and for dessert, frozen Cool-Whip straight from the tub. There is however, one dish that the home economically challenged like myself can consider a true masterpiece, rivaling anything from Olive Garden’s menu: Hamburger Helper.
Hamburger Helper is one of the most underrated creations in the history of mankind. Not only is it incredibly delicious, but it’s so easy to make, a cave man with cerebral palsy and a low-rate car insurance policy can do it. Just about everything you need comes in a box, all you have to supply is a pound of ground beef and two cups of milk (the use of stale milk is not recommended, but I just hate seeing things go to waste). You start off by “browning” the ground beef, then you add the macaroni along with hot water and milk dated Jun 22. Finally, you mix in a mysterious, anthrax-like powder labeled “Cheese/Sauce Mix”. I don’t know how it works, but this magical fairy dust seems to be the secret to all of HamHelp’s flavor and supremacy. Without it, you would simply have wet noodles and cow meat, and with it, you have an entrée from a 5-star restaurant.
Once you have mixed all of the ingredients together, your Hamburger Helper should look like something that was projected from either one of two orifices of a diseased Rottweiler, but let it simmer for about 10 minutes and you’ll have a meal that would make Emeril Lagasse cower in defeat.
Even if you were brain dead enough screw up these simple directions, Betty Crocker offers online solutions to improve future attempts. Answers to questions like, “Why isn’t my sauce saucy enough?”, or “Why is my macaroni gummy?” can all be found on the FAQ page. In case you had any doubts, you’ll notice that Betty points out in the final question that it is actually possible to reheat leftovers in a microwave. According to the page, all of these questions are of the frequent variety, which clearly demonstrates the intelligence level of most HamHelp consumers.
HamHelps is a very versatile product that can be enjoyed by just about everyone, even those dumb ass pseudo-vegetarians who refuse to eat animals that they deem to be “cute”. So you think the cow is simply too adorable to ingest? No problem, grind up the much less aesthetically pleasing turkey and its just as good. When you’re finished, why don’t you jump in a car and swerve off a cliff while trying to avoid a precious chipmunk crossing the road? I’m sure the hideous vultures, maggots, and rats won’t have a problem picking away at that cute little carcass of yours, you superficial, speciesist piece of shit.
Since the debut of Original Beef Pasta in the 70s, Betty Crocker has built an empire in the Starch + Meat Instant Meal industry. Over the years, she has introduced Double Cheeseburger Macoroni, Philly Cheesesteak, Beef Stew, Beef Stroganoff, Cheesy Beef Taco, Beefy Lasangna, Beef Romanoff, and Beefy-Fuckin-Beefity Meat Cake. Then the bitch sold out and started making Tuna and Chicken Helper. What a fucking joke. These wannabe knock-offs were obviously created for elitist, yuppie pricks who still think BSE is something to be legitimately concerned about. Even if Mad Cow disease was a risk today, I’d still eat Hamburger Helper 8 nights a week. I'd eat it till my brain rotted out of my fucking skull and I started mooing obscenities at innocent children.
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